Hugs

Ben has been gone for the last week and came home about mid-morning. He gave us all hugs, got changed, and turned on CNN to catch up on some news while he ate some breakfast. He saw a headline that spoke of a shooting in Connecticut. I scolded him and told him to turn off the news and spend some time with his daughters who he hadn't seen in days rather than depress himself with the news.

Only later would I realize the nature of the tragedy I had asked Ben to turn away from. Even now, hours later, I get a knot in my stomach thinking of what happened and am at a complete loss for words. What I can say is that I was once again reminded to take time out of my busy day to appreciate my children and the precious moments I am blessed to share with them. I snuggled with Jocelyn this afternoon while she watched a movie during her quiet time. Originally I had planned to go run errands during this time, since Ben could stay home with the girls. But when she cuddled up with me, I knew that any errands could wait, and I needed to cherish this time with my middle child. At the end of her dance night, I got to watch Ava perform one of the routines she's learning. It is sort of a lyrical-style piece, and I was able to see such emotion and maturity in my "little girl;" it blew me away how she's growing. Then when it was bedtime, I had planned to skip baths but Molly was asking to take a shower, so I spent 10 minutes in the bathroom with her while she ran in and out of the water stream, squealing and laughing all the while.

I don't know what I would do without each one of these precious children. My heart breaks for all the mothers and fathers who suddenly cannot yell at their child for misbehaving, nag them to finish their food, or kiss their son or daughter good-night. I find with myself there is a small grey area between pretending something didn't happen and becoming paralyzed with fear of what could happen. I have no explanation other than the grace of God that such a tragic event did not happen at Ava's school. I think this has hit especially close to home for me because she is in Kindergarten just like all those children who were so senselessly killed. It would be so easy for me to go down that slippery slope of what-ifs that would make me never want to leave my kids again. But this afternoon when I picked Ava up from school, I was watching her play on the playground with some of her classmates, completely oblivious to the evil in the world, and thought I will not let that evil win. I will not live my life terrified of what MIGHT happen. I owe it to my children to love them and protect them as much as I can, but at the same time let them LIVE their lives. Bad things will happen, but in the end all I can do is pray to God: prayers of healing for all the hurting families and prayers of thanksgiving for the blessings I have every single day. I hugged and kissed my kids a little longer tonight, as I'm sure many parents did, and say so many prayers for those grieving families who tonight are not as fortunate.