A Better Spouse

It has been a fairly unremarkable day today that has come with some pretty remarkable revelations. I have been hearing the same thing over and over again, but for the first time today I really opened my mind and heart and took a good look inside.

I am not a great wife. While this is a huge oversimplification it is in fact the truth. Over the past several years I have become so consumed with the role of mother that I have set the role of wife way down the priority list. When Ben and I first got married, the Navy took Ben away from home a lot. My role as a military spouse was to keep the house and later our children in order while he was gone. When he came home, it was often only for a short time so rather than make any drastic changes Ben would go along with the routine I had already established and fit his way in as best he could.

Whether it was due to this less-than-ideal pattern or not, I have at times complained that Ben has felt more like another dependent than a partner. I now see that much of that was my own creation. I have inadvertently given him the role of the oldest child. When I was younger, I understood that my siblings often had to be attended to before me; it wasn't a matter of feeling neglected or pushed aside, but a two-year-old's need to be fed or changed is more immediate than an eleven-year-old's need to talk or go somewhere. I never had a problem with this order of things because that was my role. Likewise, I have had a mentality that Ben is an adult so he can wait while I tend to the kids' more basic needs. But he is not on the same level as them - he is in a category of his own, and I need to regard him as such.

Taking care of my kids is simple. They want to be fed. They want to be entertained. They occasionally want a hug or snuggle. Meeting their needs and consequently earning their love is not very hard. So I've retreated to giving that my all, because I know I am a successful mom. Being a successful wife is not quite so simple. There are the basic needs, but there are the more complex adult emotional and mental needs that must be attended to as well. When Ben and I were in college, it was easy to have things to talk about: we shared many of the same friends, worked in the same office, attended the same events. Now, I can relate to his interest MMA and foreign affairs about as much as he enjoys talking about dance classes and preschool. It takes more effort - sometimes very forced effort - and even that is not always enough.

I had up until now in a large way given up. I would do small things for Ben to "fill his love tank," as the Five Love Languages analogy goes. But ultimately I felt like no matter what I did it wouldn't be enough, so why bother? I got lazy, doing enough to say I was trying but no more than that. I would hug my kids during the day, grateful that they loved me for who I was and never asking more of me than I could give them.

I've had this mindset that my young children need my focus and attention, that I could concentrate more on my relationship with my husband in a few years when my children are older. Yes my kids will need me, but once they're a bit older and therefore more independent I can focus back on my marriage. I now see how wrong that is. These revelations have not been easy to come by or accept, nor will working to change the habits and patterns I have created over several years. But I share this as a means of accountability for myself to get off my butt and start really working on my role as Ben's wife. He is my life partner, and I will spend every day of the rest of my life trying to be the best spouse to him that I can be. Some days will be easier than others, some days I'm sure I will still not succeed. But I am going to give it my all, and with a little help from God and our family and friends I like my chances for overall success.